Advice

I'm writing to my beloved readers today, on a different note than usual. Today is about me- (some of you who know me are smirking, because you think it's always about me in my presence, and in my writing). However I have a couple of things that need to be said, and not a moment too soon.

I don't have all the answers. Some of you come to me, because you think I know better. Some of you go to your sisters, mothers, best friends- because you think they know better. Some of us rely on therapists, lovers, , magic eight balls- it doesn't matter. We always think that someone else will be able to give us the answer. Someone else will somehow know where we should go, when we lose our way.

In life, and love alike this is never the case. In dating and relationships, we are so easily convinced to veer off path from our own wishes and desires. It is our most important decisions, when the sounds of our own heart and the melodies of our own inner voices die out- and we can only hear what the people around us have to say.

However, it's when we start listening to our loved ones, or admirers, or whomever- when we start running into our real problems. One of my favorite songs has one line, that I think really does ring true for all of us "Because in the end the most important steps are the ones we take all by ourselves."

The only person who knows what you want is you. Don't let anyone convince you how good of a guy they are, or someone they know is. Don't let anyone tell you what's wrong or right for you. That's the same thing as buying a pair of jeans without trying them on, or putting a down payment on a car that you've never test-driven.

These potential relationships we get ourselves into- are the products of a sale. (please, hold the sneers about the shopping references, I know the look on all of your faces- hear me out). These new men in our lives- are literally selling themselves to us. If not physically then emotionally. They simulate what it would be like to be with them, to have them, to own them in some cases. They'd be gentle with us, they'd shelter us, they'd make us look good, they'd accentuate our best features, and hide (accept) our flaws. Just as much as they need to be bought, we need to purchase them. It's the same process of mutual selection.

However, how many times as both shoppers, and lovelorn souls- have we wanted to return an item. How many times has it disappointed us, or do we feel that we were wrongfully convinced? Is there a return policy on the male gender? Can we ever get our money and time back?

So I leave you all with this: Unless it catches YOUR eye in the first place, don't buy it. Don't let anyone ever tell you how great something is. Odds are, if you didn't see it, pick it out, or notice it for yourself- you're not going to go home happy. You're not going to want to take it out of your closet, or garage for a spin. You're not going to be disappointed if it tears, or breaks down.

No one, but you has the answers. No one but you knows what you want. The key to a great purchase, is a helpful salesperson. Someone who gives you their input but ultimately wants what's best for you. Go to your friends, ask for advice. Go to your mothers, sisters, cousins, whoever. Read my blog, listen to what others' input is because it will always help you. But you and you only can make the final decision. Remember that no one else but you that has to wear that dress, or drive that car. The one who has to live with your decision is you. We can all tell you how pretty you look in that new dress, or how great your new ride is. We can all tell you that when we bought something from the same store, we wore it a million times, or that our last model of that car lasted us years. Yet, you need to do yourself a favor, and let the world quiet down- because you're bound to give yourself some great advice. The decisions we make for ourselves, are always the ones we end up happiest with- AND THAT, is a 100% guarantee.

Love Always,

The Dime

Our Head’s Best Friends, and Our Hearts Worst Enemies

The best friend is always the trickiest kind of man in our lives. As Billy Crystal says in When Harry Met Sally- “Men and women can never really be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.” Perhaps, there is some truth to that line- although for many women- some of their most successful relationships with other human beings- is their male friends.

We find ourselves in the midst of an age-old conflict: where do we stop being friends, and start being more? Our relationships with our best friends of the opposite sex, or in some cases- just opposing sexuality fog up the mirrors in which we see ourselves, our happiness, and our true feelings for the people around us.

We are often blind-sided by the way our best friends of the opposite sex treat us. Our male friends are for the most part, not trying to sleep with us, not trying to impress us, and when we hang out- they’re not guarded. They still pay for our dinners, they still snuggle up with us, and they still do all the things we need boyfriends for- but it’s free of emotional charge. The running arguments, annoying responsibilities, and our guilty consciences are all not needed, and become dormant inside of us when we’re around these men.

However, sometimes we can be fooled. Sometimes, when these men have a woman in their life (that isn’t us), or when they get busy, or go away for a little while we start to panic. “Maybe we’re more than friends, Maybe we belong together, He can do so much better- and by better- I mean me.” All of these things can sometimes replace our sanity and ability to comprehend the reasons as to why we are NOT together in the first place.

Sometimes the reason why we aren't together can just be blamed on our natural pheremones- we just aren't attracted to one another. Sometimes we're not together because we know each other's tricks far too well to trust each other. Sometimes we're not together because we have our own social laws we have to abide by (our friends dated, our friends are friends, whatever). Worst of all- sometimes we can't date, because we can't afford to lose each other, and we have to save each other for later...because now is not the time.

The latter is easily the hardest reason of all to endure, and likely to be the most mentally taxing. The other reasons can be dug up in the midst of our lapses in reason- and we normally can return to our happy, platonic relationships with the men we care about. However, when we start jarring our friends up- and "saving them for more later", we begin to ruin our relationships with them now. What's more- is we start making plans that don't make sense, and we stop living our lives.

As women unfortunately we are often shocked when men treat us well. If a man is that good to us, that sweet, and that caring- we think he's either gay, or crazy about us. This is not the case. He is this sweet, because he's not trying to be, because we're not waking up next to each other every morning, because he's not getting physical attention from us. That's the beauty of our relationships with these men!

Girls, please live for right now- and wait til you have someone who you don't A) NEED IN YOUR LIFE NOW B) Shudder at the thought of being physical with C) wants to treat you like your best friend does, but look at you like a girlfriend. Do not spend your time making plans, or getting jealous. The most important thing for now is that these men are in your life- and keep up what you have going for as long as possible- because in all honesty: what you've got is pretty amazing.

Love Always,

The Dime

All is Fair in Love and War: But What About Lust and Drama?

These past few days, it has come to my attention that we spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out where our boundaries are when it comes to relationships.

Where is the line when your best friend has a girlfriend? What's appropriate when you're a text couple but you've only talked in person a couple of times? Is it okay to have 2 dates in a row? Is it cheating if it's not official, or are you officially a bitch? Last but certainly not least, where do we draw the line with our exes' friends?

There are of course, the simple, humane rules to dating and relationships that we learn from early on. The backbones of our cultural dating norms- including but not limited to: Don't Cheat, Don't Abuse, Don't Be Yourself Until The Other One's Trapped (this one's unwritten, but we all know it's absolutely vital) Be Supportive, Make Time for Your Significant Other, Don't Lead On, Don't, Do, Don't Do- The list goes on. But where do we go from there? What do we do when the line is fuzzy? The problem with label-less relationships, is that we find ourselves in an extremely gray area. The only rules we know are rules that are set aside for legitimate couples- and the rest of us live in this ambiguous, lawless society- and we're lost.

Part of the problem is, when you aren't in a relationship- that automatically makes you "single." And the definition of single, means one. Which means, you're watching out for you. So when the going gets tough, you're protecting yourself, and sometimes what bounces off our shields, hits the people around us smack in the face. That's when you start to feel shitty and THAT, is where we start asking questions, and drawing lines- freehand.

One of my best friends this week, faced a new dilemma, in her "dating" life. The one guy she had been seeing, let things fizzle and (stupidly) started being irresponsible with both her heart and mind. Outraged, she decided to reconcile with an old fling, who just so happened to be a friend of guy #1. Was this wrong? Guy #1 wanted casual, and casual is what he got.

What about my other friend? She has a date on saturday night with a "friend", and the next night- with her bbm contact du jour.

In this cyber world we're living in, our rules have gotten ten times harder. We now have the ability to know someone well, a week before our first date. Technology makes the regular boundary lines even harder to see than they already were, we find ourselves in make-beleive relationships, before we find ourselves in real-world situations with our make-believe new boyfriends.

The point I'm trying to make, officially unofficially- is that these days, we walk a zig-zag line in our relationships. We get caught in the dichotomy of having a new best friend to share our lives with, and being our own best friend to shelter our lives. We purposely hurt each other, and break the rules- because we can. The word boyfriend seems to change things for us, as women, and unless exclusivity is delineated in the contracts we have with our hook ups, and bbm contacts, and text buddies- then we seem to think we can do whatever we want. And maybe we can, but have we lost sight of the prize? We're only seeing these people so that they one day can take us seriously enough to call us their girlfriends, but here we are-giving them no reason to- because they didn't call us that yet.

This is an endless cycle that we're going to continue to struggle with, until someone changes the rules for us, and makes us want to be better. So maybe, it's for the best when we act selfish, because it may just mean we haven't met someone worth being selfless for.

Love always,

The Dime

When did our love for the opposite sex surpass our love for each other?

This week, a bunch of my friends struggled with their significant others, or (who they wish would be their significant others) would be a better way to put it. As I watched 3 beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and otherwise strong women struggle with the petty bullshit that comes along with adolescent boys, I had to ask myself- when did our love for one another start being out-weighed by our love for the opposite sex?

Subject one is most likely one of the most gorgeous girls I know. Insane model body, beautiful hair, pretty face, perfect skin- and her face has been streaked with an unattractive solute of tears and Covergirl Lash Blast Mascara. Why? Just as she decided she was ready to take things more seriously with the boy she was seeing (note: BOY), he freaked out and decided to back out. 7 days of unanswered text messages, delayed "talks", and cancelled dinners later- she's ready to give up on life. Seriously? This kid has walked in and out of her life in a matter of 2 months, and now he's the one thing she can't live without?

Subject two is a chic, fun, graceful, and classic beauty- and she has everything to live for right now. However she was completely shaken after a boy she had one date with, turned out to not be who she thought he was. How can a life be turned upside down after one date?

Subject 3 is my best friend, and a blonde bombshell. Last night we went out together, and she caught someone's eyes, well a night full of flirting and chatting concluded with a series of mini-make out sessions. Five minutes later, she finds out he has a girlfriend, and becomes bleary eyed right on cue. He's completely shattered her, and stripped her of her dignity and security in a manner of minutes. Does this not seem wrong? How is this in any way okay? How do these boys have this effect?

When I think of all of the people I want to come home to at the end of the day, and the people I want to tell when something happens, they're all girls. These boys in question- for each of these girls know nothing at all meaningful about them. They don't know whose mother battled breast cancer bravely, who's complicated relationships with their families, with their friends, who has struggled against depression- they know nothing of all the seriousness and personal victories these women face on a daily basis. But their friends do. Their friends know it all, their friends are the ones who pick up the pieces when these douches walk in and out of their lives, and for that- our lives. When one girl is involved, we all are a little. We're all kept abreast of the inner workings of their blooming relationships, first dates, etc.

So I leave you with this- in the end who's more important? Why aren't we focusing on the love and respect and confidence in our fellow women, as opposed to finding someone else- who god knows, doesn't have it in them- to be there for us?