imdb: Clueless (always) Cast (everyone) Synopsis (life)

I've been very delayed all summer, and I wish I had an excuse- but the truth is, I have been cowering. I haven't been jet-setting, nor have I gone through anything profound, I just have been speechless.

Someone walked into the store today, who had recently been broken up with. She knew I too had gone through a similar break up, and decided to seek a little advice about the healing process, and what the best next steps in handling the situation would be. As she's talking, my heart starts to race. I couldn't figure it out. I knew I for the most part was over the break-up she was referring to- so it couldn't have been that. What could possibly be bringing on this new wave of stress I was feeling? Then it hit me. The reason that I for so long have been able to answer these love woes with confidence, was because I, myself can't seem to get it right. The glittering mistakes I point out in my blogs, and the obvious errors I shake my head at, are only so recognizable to me, because I've done it all before.

I write these pieces, calm and collected, thinking I am only inspired by my lovably fruitless friends when it comes to love. However, I too am equally clueless. So maybe, I just haven't written because somewhere inside me, there's a young woman, running in circles like a crazy person, trying to make sense out of her own romantic life.

The truth is, most people just don't know. Even when they're a couple, they fight, make mistakes, make messes, lie, cheat, cry, obsess, you name it. There's never a perfect picture, or a perfect moment. The cycle is complicated the whole way through. Being single is painful, Being in love is full of pain. The in between is equally confusing- never knowing where you stand.

So where does this not so revolutionary epiphany, or dare I say- reality check leave us? What can we take away from this endless ramble, and run-on obvious statement?

I'll tell you- we can stop being so afraid. Just like I don't need to cower, you don't need to cower. The messes, the loneliness, the absolute disasters ARE the stories. We're not working towards anything at all. Our love lives are happening whether we like it or not. Our romantic lives don't stop, they just clear out. Our experiences make us who we are, whether that be an amateur blogger, a therapist for a day, or maybe just someone to sit next to when all else fails. Time doesn't stop, even if we pretend it does. The world doesn't stop turning when we have no one to turn to. Just because nothing epic is happening, doesn't mean we need to see ourselves as epic failures. This is it, right now. Right this very second. There's no destination, just a next stop.

Love Always,

The Dime

Phantom Limbs and Bypass

Sometimes, when a person loses an arm, or a leg in combat, they can still feel the pain after its gone. They can also still feel a twitch, or scratch, or even a tickle but when they look down at where the sensation is coming from, they see nothing. This can be a very uncomfortable, and difficult condition to live with. Victims suffer a great deal throughout their lives, well past the initial damage being done. Now- forgive me if I am incorrect- but don't we all suffer from this a little bit? Haven't we all felt a tingle, or worse- twinge in an empty place in our hearts?

A lot of our symptoms are the same. it's so hard to prove that something was once there- in the place it was supposed to be. Of course there are pictures, and obviously there are all the sensations that were once felt. However, the feeling of proving to yourself that it was real, that arm, that leg, that relationship- is hard to handle. It's hard to tell if that was something you completely made up- if the feelings you're feeling are silly and impossible- or impossibly real. Then the next challenge at hand- is life without that limb, or support system. There are painful memories, and new challenges that face you. There are certain things you need to do on your own without whatever your most valuable tool may be. There are late night tears, remembering who you were- maybe a war hero, or just someone's hero at all. Maybe you were an athlete, or made a home complete- or maybe you just miss what you had. No matter what, long after something you need or relied on is gone- you feel it.

They say that right after heart surgery- a lot of patients can only feel numb. Much likened to a broken heart. They say you may feel tightness, or just slight pain concentrated immediately along the lines of the incision that was made to your heart- or in a relationship- maybe to your ego. However that pain is minimal. A lot of times, the highest magnitude of pain ( a 10 on a scale of 1-10) can always be felt the first time your heart is strained after the surgery. Maybe the first time you cough or get up and move around. I can't help but notice a strong paralell here. In our lives, the sharpest pain, can sometimes be the calm of the storm. Unfortunately sometimes we think we've seen it all, but something else creeps up behind us and hits us harder. Whether that's love or pain, or a mixture of the two. The first cut may be the deepest and the hardest to bear, but the second- that's the one that knocks the wind right out of you. That's the one that takes your hope, and your sense of stability and wrecks it. Sometimes, it spits it back out- good as new and things move down a more positive trail, and sometimes it just hurts like a bitch.

Either way, both conditions have been proven to be survivable. Both come with a basic guide for healing, support groups, stitches, and if you're lucky- a set of caretakers. Sometimes that's all we can hope for, because one day in the end- it will heal. It won't hurt anymore, or we'll figure out how to stand with or without anyone or anything holding us up- and once that's all set- we'll be all set to start again, and find a lasting, and concrete cure.

love always,

the dime

The Convoluted Equation: Finding the Difference Between Fun and the One

As women, it is seemingly our nature to complicate our own emotions, by making plans. We are programmed to be obsessed with the idea of romance, and those of us who aren't are "new-age" or considered "modern." However this week, I can not help but wonder, is being resistant to archaic ideals about romance really modern? Or is it- dare I say- much more fun?

Every single time I've found a significant other, I seem to start making all of these ridiculous plans, and wondering; what will my friends think? What will my parents think? How will we work if we last until this point, and what about if we last until then? The sad truth is, I've made all of these plans but for what? It's never worked out. Here I sit and write to my readers completely single. Carefree, and happy. Wait...I'm single, carefree, and happy. I am not making plans currently, because there's no one to make plans for.

Now here's an idea- what if I applied this attitude to a relationship? What if, I went into something, NOT expecting a proposal. What if I recognized that I was 19 years old, and not ready to settle down. What if I stopped choosing people for their futures, and started focusing on my present? Perhaps things would be better. Perhaps some of the disappointment would wear away, and perhaps I'd stop worrying about what people look like on paper, throw away their resumes, and start seeing what they're actually working with.

Sometimes, the people we choose in the long run, didn't seem like they'd be relationships that would run very long. We keep looking for this "happy ending", this "grand gesture"- but all of this waiting is just a way to miss out on a happy middle. Maybe our nights aren't ending with kisses in central park, or a surprise knock on our door in torrential downpour- but maybe it's because we're not letting them.

Sometimes having fun, is more important than finding the one. Sometimes, the one is the fun one. Plans fall through, but happiness never does. People will come and go out of our lives, so why worry about it now? When the time comes for an engagement ring, by all means sit down and evaluate. However if you're laughing, and having a good time...fun> finding the one.

Love Always,

The Dime

The Crazy In All Of Us

Let's face it- we're all a little nuts. We're obsessive, determined, anxious, you name it- and we got it.

We all have been the crazy one before. We all have blown things out of proportion, spent hours worrying, and lost control. That's just the way we are with things that we're passionate about. Or at least things we think we are passionate about.

If we loved the people we loved for being perfect, we'd never love anyone at all. I can guarantee anyone that the person they love most in this world, is a TOTAL freak. In truth, we all are. We love our smartest companions for their eccentricity, and nerdy-ness. We love our best friends for being wild, and their quirks. We love our Mothers for their insane questions and worries, we love our dads for being excited about stupid things, and telling gross jokes behind our mothers' backs. We all love the class clown because they dare to be different, and we love our significant others for fighting to be with us, or for going where no person has ever gone before with us (get your mind out of the gutter, that's purely mental....unless you don't want it to be ;)).

There's method to all of our madness. We obsess because we love, we cry because we care, we fight because we have to hold on, and we go out of our way because we can't let go. When you're a little kid, people tell you that your parents, and your grandparents yell at you and push you because "they love you." As a little kid- you find that so hard to believe. You sit there and wonder why people would treat you poorly if they love you. As you get older, you start to understand the craziness a little more. You start to see where the worry comes from, why the yelling has to happen, and everything falls into place. You repeat the cycles you went through as a little kid but now it's you making the corrections. Now it's you sitting at home worrying about a boy, or fighting with a best friend.

We all have skeletons in our closets, we all have weird kinks in our systems. We're afraid of irrational things, we're obsessed with the wrong men, we're afraid of the right ones. We can't see the beautiful women looking back at us in the mirror, and we can't imagine who would be CRAZY enough to love us. We want to be skinnier, and taller, and shorter, and bigger, we want people to think we're funnier, to take us more seriously- we always want to be something else, or extra of what we've already got. We're all nuts, that's all there is to it.

We all do crazy things, say crazy things, and think crazy things. We love the craziest people, and we're craziest with the people we love. We all have our quirks, twerks, and fears. Never be crazy enough to lose someone crazy about you- because you'll drive yourself crazy, especially if it was just because they were crazy.

Love Always,

The Dime

Advice

I'm writing to my beloved readers today, on a different note than usual. Today is about me- (some of you who know me are smirking, because you think it's always about me in my presence, and in my writing). However I have a couple of things that need to be said, and not a moment too soon.

I don't have all the answers. Some of you come to me, because you think I know better. Some of you go to your sisters, mothers, best friends- because you think they know better. Some of us rely on therapists, lovers, , magic eight balls- it doesn't matter. We always think that someone else will be able to give us the answer. Someone else will somehow know where we should go, when we lose our way.

In life, and love alike this is never the case. In dating and relationships, we are so easily convinced to veer off path from our own wishes and desires. It is our most important decisions, when the sounds of our own heart and the melodies of our own inner voices die out- and we can only hear what the people around us have to say.

However, it's when we start listening to our loved ones, or admirers, or whomever- when we start running into our real problems. One of my favorite songs has one line, that I think really does ring true for all of us "Because in the end the most important steps are the ones we take all by ourselves."

The only person who knows what you want is you. Don't let anyone convince you how good of a guy they are, or someone they know is. Don't let anyone tell you what's wrong or right for you. That's the same thing as buying a pair of jeans without trying them on, or putting a down payment on a car that you've never test-driven.

These potential relationships we get ourselves into- are the products of a sale. (please, hold the sneers about the shopping references, I know the look on all of your faces- hear me out). These new men in our lives- are literally selling themselves to us. If not physically then emotionally. They simulate what it would be like to be with them, to have them, to own them in some cases. They'd be gentle with us, they'd shelter us, they'd make us look good, they'd accentuate our best features, and hide (accept) our flaws. Just as much as they need to be bought, we need to purchase them. It's the same process of mutual selection.

However, how many times as both shoppers, and lovelorn souls- have we wanted to return an item. How many times has it disappointed us, or do we feel that we were wrongfully convinced? Is there a return policy on the male gender? Can we ever get our money and time back?

So I leave you all with this: Unless it catches YOUR eye in the first place, don't buy it. Don't let anyone ever tell you how great something is. Odds are, if you didn't see it, pick it out, or notice it for yourself- you're not going to go home happy. You're not going to want to take it out of your closet, or garage for a spin. You're not going to be disappointed if it tears, or breaks down.

No one, but you has the answers. No one but you knows what you want. The key to a great purchase, is a helpful salesperson. Someone who gives you their input but ultimately wants what's best for you. Go to your friends, ask for advice. Go to your mothers, sisters, cousins, whoever. Read my blog, listen to what others' input is because it will always help you. But you and you only can make the final decision. Remember that no one else but you that has to wear that dress, or drive that car. The one who has to live with your decision is you. We can all tell you how pretty you look in that new dress, or how great your new ride is. We can all tell you that when we bought something from the same store, we wore it a million times, or that our last model of that car lasted us years. Yet, you need to do yourself a favor, and let the world quiet down- because you're bound to give yourself some great advice. The decisions we make for ourselves, are always the ones we end up happiest with- AND THAT, is a 100% guarantee.

Love Always,

The Dime

Our Head’s Best Friends, and Our Hearts Worst Enemies

The best friend is always the trickiest kind of man in our lives. As Billy Crystal says in When Harry Met Sally- “Men and women can never really be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.” Perhaps, there is some truth to that line- although for many women- some of their most successful relationships with other human beings- is their male friends.

We find ourselves in the midst of an age-old conflict: where do we stop being friends, and start being more? Our relationships with our best friends of the opposite sex, or in some cases- just opposing sexuality fog up the mirrors in which we see ourselves, our happiness, and our true feelings for the people around us.

We are often blind-sided by the way our best friends of the opposite sex treat us. Our male friends are for the most part, not trying to sleep with us, not trying to impress us, and when we hang out- they’re not guarded. They still pay for our dinners, they still snuggle up with us, and they still do all the things we need boyfriends for- but it’s free of emotional charge. The running arguments, annoying responsibilities, and our guilty consciences are all not needed, and become dormant inside of us when we’re around these men.

However, sometimes we can be fooled. Sometimes, when these men have a woman in their life (that isn’t us), or when they get busy, or go away for a little while we start to panic. “Maybe we’re more than friends, Maybe we belong together, He can do so much better- and by better- I mean me.” All of these things can sometimes replace our sanity and ability to comprehend the reasons as to why we are NOT together in the first place.

Sometimes the reason why we aren't together can just be blamed on our natural pheremones- we just aren't attracted to one another. Sometimes we're not together because we know each other's tricks far too well to trust each other. Sometimes we're not together because we have our own social laws we have to abide by (our friends dated, our friends are friends, whatever). Worst of all- sometimes we can't date, because we can't afford to lose each other, and we have to save each other for later...because now is not the time.

The latter is easily the hardest reason of all to endure, and likely to be the most mentally taxing. The other reasons can be dug up in the midst of our lapses in reason- and we normally can return to our happy, platonic relationships with the men we care about. However, when we start jarring our friends up- and "saving them for more later", we begin to ruin our relationships with them now. What's more- is we start making plans that don't make sense, and we stop living our lives.

As women unfortunately we are often shocked when men treat us well. If a man is that good to us, that sweet, and that caring- we think he's either gay, or crazy about us. This is not the case. He is this sweet, because he's not trying to be, because we're not waking up next to each other every morning, because he's not getting physical attention from us. That's the beauty of our relationships with these men!

Girls, please live for right now- and wait til you have someone who you don't A) NEED IN YOUR LIFE NOW B) Shudder at the thought of being physical with C) wants to treat you like your best friend does, but look at you like a girlfriend. Do not spend your time making plans, or getting jealous. The most important thing for now is that these men are in your life- and keep up what you have going for as long as possible- because in all honesty: what you've got is pretty amazing.

Love Always,

The Dime

All is Fair in Love and War: But What About Lust and Drama?

These past few days, it has come to my attention that we spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out where our boundaries are when it comes to relationships.

Where is the line when your best friend has a girlfriend? What's appropriate when you're a text couple but you've only talked in person a couple of times? Is it okay to have 2 dates in a row? Is it cheating if it's not official, or are you officially a bitch? Last but certainly not least, where do we draw the line with our exes' friends?

There are of course, the simple, humane rules to dating and relationships that we learn from early on. The backbones of our cultural dating norms- including but not limited to: Don't Cheat, Don't Abuse, Don't Be Yourself Until The Other One's Trapped (this one's unwritten, but we all know it's absolutely vital) Be Supportive, Make Time for Your Significant Other, Don't Lead On, Don't, Do, Don't Do- The list goes on. But where do we go from there? What do we do when the line is fuzzy? The problem with label-less relationships, is that we find ourselves in an extremely gray area. The only rules we know are rules that are set aside for legitimate couples- and the rest of us live in this ambiguous, lawless society- and we're lost.

Part of the problem is, when you aren't in a relationship- that automatically makes you "single." And the definition of single, means one. Which means, you're watching out for you. So when the going gets tough, you're protecting yourself, and sometimes what bounces off our shields, hits the people around us smack in the face. That's when you start to feel shitty and THAT, is where we start asking questions, and drawing lines- freehand.

One of my best friends this week, faced a new dilemma, in her "dating" life. The one guy she had been seeing, let things fizzle and (stupidly) started being irresponsible with both her heart and mind. Outraged, she decided to reconcile with an old fling, who just so happened to be a friend of guy #1. Was this wrong? Guy #1 wanted casual, and casual is what he got.

What about my other friend? She has a date on saturday night with a "friend", and the next night- with her bbm contact du jour.

In this cyber world we're living in, our rules have gotten ten times harder. We now have the ability to know someone well, a week before our first date. Technology makes the regular boundary lines even harder to see than they already were, we find ourselves in make-beleive relationships, before we find ourselves in real-world situations with our make-believe new boyfriends.

The point I'm trying to make, officially unofficially- is that these days, we walk a zig-zag line in our relationships. We get caught in the dichotomy of having a new best friend to share our lives with, and being our own best friend to shelter our lives. We purposely hurt each other, and break the rules- because we can. The word boyfriend seems to change things for us, as women, and unless exclusivity is delineated in the contracts we have with our hook ups, and bbm contacts, and text buddies- then we seem to think we can do whatever we want. And maybe we can, but have we lost sight of the prize? We're only seeing these people so that they one day can take us seriously enough to call us their girlfriends, but here we are-giving them no reason to- because they didn't call us that yet.

This is an endless cycle that we're going to continue to struggle with, until someone changes the rules for us, and makes us want to be better. So maybe, it's for the best when we act selfish, because it may just mean we haven't met someone worth being selfless for.

Love always,

The Dime

When did our love for the opposite sex surpass our love for each other?

This week, a bunch of my friends struggled with their significant others, or (who they wish would be their significant others) would be a better way to put it. As I watched 3 beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and otherwise strong women struggle with the petty bullshit that comes along with adolescent boys, I had to ask myself- when did our love for one another start being out-weighed by our love for the opposite sex?

Subject one is most likely one of the most gorgeous girls I know. Insane model body, beautiful hair, pretty face, perfect skin- and her face has been streaked with an unattractive solute of tears and Covergirl Lash Blast Mascara. Why? Just as she decided she was ready to take things more seriously with the boy she was seeing (note: BOY), he freaked out and decided to back out. 7 days of unanswered text messages, delayed "talks", and cancelled dinners later- she's ready to give up on life. Seriously? This kid has walked in and out of her life in a matter of 2 months, and now he's the one thing she can't live without?

Subject two is a chic, fun, graceful, and classic beauty- and she has everything to live for right now. However she was completely shaken after a boy she had one date with, turned out to not be who she thought he was. How can a life be turned upside down after one date?

Subject 3 is my best friend, and a blonde bombshell. Last night we went out together, and she caught someone's eyes, well a night full of flirting and chatting concluded with a series of mini-make out sessions. Five minutes later, she finds out he has a girlfriend, and becomes bleary eyed right on cue. He's completely shattered her, and stripped her of her dignity and security in a manner of minutes. Does this not seem wrong? How is this in any way okay? How do these boys have this effect?

When I think of all of the people I want to come home to at the end of the day, and the people I want to tell when something happens, they're all girls. These boys in question- for each of these girls know nothing at all meaningful about them. They don't know whose mother battled breast cancer bravely, who's complicated relationships with their families, with their friends, who has struggled against depression- they know nothing of all the seriousness and personal victories these women face on a daily basis. But their friends do. Their friends know it all, their friends are the ones who pick up the pieces when these douches walk in and out of their lives, and for that- our lives. When one girl is involved, we all are a little. We're all kept abreast of the inner workings of their blooming relationships, first dates, etc.

So I leave you with this- in the end who's more important? Why aren't we focusing on the love and respect and confidence in our fellow women, as opposed to finding someone else- who god knows, doesn't have it in them- to be there for us?

Beginning of the End? Or End of the Beginning?

In life, almost all of our most important beginnings come from some other ending. Our loves always sprout from the worst heartbreaks, making new friends comes from a change in our environments, new ideas come from us changing our minds- we need the endings, so that we can start again.

I let go of a weird, twisted little plan today. I thought I knew every step and move I was going to make for the next ten years- but I was so wrong.

So with a fond farewell to this plan, i challenge myself to a new beginning- one of which you all will explore with me.

love always,

the dime