Mark Zuckerberg, You just don't get it

Sign into facebook. What are your relationship status choices? Single, In a Relationship, Engaged, Married, It's Complicated, In an Open Relationship, Widowed, Separated, and Divorced. Okay, so that's about 9 answers, which is about three million too few answer options to that question. What about "sleeping with and hoping it turns into more?" or "long distance sucks don't try and date me even though no one here is dating me either", or how about "heartbroken and far too hung up on my ex to admit I'm single" or "getting desperate" or "we're like....together." The list goes on. However, for whatever reason we have to somehow figure out a way to fit ourselves into one of nine categories. Unfortunately sometimes, it's not so black and white.

I wish it was that easy. I wish that everyone who's ever liked a person who likes them back could safely say they were no longer listed as single, and they were now listed as in a relationship. Wouldn't it be fantastic, if it weren't really f***ing weird to in all seriousness write "in an open relationship", and how cool would it be if it were not completely embarrassing to admit "it's complicated with" someone.

Unfortunately, the most common answer to the "relationship status" question is not even remotely a choice. Um, Marky Z- could you possibly add an "I don't know where I stand with" option? That's really all most of us can muster up when asked about our love lives. Some of us are far away from our loved ones, and some of us just feel far away from our loved ones.

When it comes to talking about a relationship, as women we end up often settling for the “single” label, even if we’re not so single. Unfortunately, we give up putting our needs and wants first, in fear of losing our current counterpart. Sometimes, our facebooks say single, and our mouths say single- even if the same boy is in our bed every night, or we’re in his. Even if we’re not seeing anyone else, and even if we put our partner’s needs before we put our own.

Where is the line? When are WE allowed to list ourselves as in a relationship? Does time decide for us? Do we just wake up one day as someone’s girlfriend, after months of being a girlfriend figure to them? Do we have to talk about it- do we have to sit face-to-face and define what we’ve got going on? Or is it up to us and our discretion. There are almost as many answers to these types of questions, as there are relationship statuses themselves.

However, I myself have been thinking about this a lot lately, and maybe this age-old question about where one stands with another, does not have any real answer. Sure, there are categories- some people are married, some people are engaged, some people are divorced- but no one can really fully define a relationship because there’s so much to be said, and love changes over time. Defining our relationships later in life is one thing- making a commitment to get married, and actually getting married, or deciding to break apart. However- I have to wonder- why do I need to be a girlfriend, or need to have a boyfriend- when the word isn’t what I’m longing for. I (like most of us) just want someone to not take care of me, but help me take care of myself. Not protect me, but help me protect myself- and not only love me, but help me love myself.

We spend all of this time figuring out what we have or don’t have- sometimes it interferes with holding on to what we’ve got going on. I’m not saying to let some jerk walk all over you, and I’m not saying to hurt other people- but I am saying that what happens between you and someone you care about does not change due to any one word or situation label. Only you can control your love life. Things can be very messy, and sometimes a lot of things at once. If you have someone, you have someone and if you’re looking, you’re looking. If the commitment is there, and the romance is there- then you get what you’re paying for- no matter what brand it is.

imdb: Clueless (always) Cast (everyone) Synopsis (life)

I've been very delayed all summer, and I wish I had an excuse- but the truth is, I have been cowering. I haven't been jet-setting, nor have I gone through anything profound, I just have been speechless.

Someone walked into the store today, who had recently been broken up with. She knew I too had gone through a similar break up, and decided to seek a little advice about the healing process, and what the best next steps in handling the situation would be. As she's talking, my heart starts to race. I couldn't figure it out. I knew I for the most part was over the break-up she was referring to- so it couldn't have been that. What could possibly be bringing on this new wave of stress I was feeling? Then it hit me. The reason that I for so long have been able to answer these love woes with confidence, was because I, myself can't seem to get it right. The glittering mistakes I point out in my blogs, and the obvious errors I shake my head at, are only so recognizable to me, because I've done it all before.

I write these pieces, calm and collected, thinking I am only inspired by my lovably fruitless friends when it comes to love. However, I too am equally clueless. So maybe, I just haven't written because somewhere inside me, there's a young woman, running in circles like a crazy person, trying to make sense out of her own romantic life.

The truth is, most people just don't know. Even when they're a couple, they fight, make mistakes, make messes, lie, cheat, cry, obsess, you name it. There's never a perfect picture, or a perfect moment. The cycle is complicated the whole way through. Being single is painful, Being in love is full of pain. The in between is equally confusing- never knowing where you stand.

So where does this not so revolutionary epiphany, or dare I say- reality check leave us? What can we take away from this endless ramble, and run-on obvious statement?

I'll tell you- we can stop being so afraid. Just like I don't need to cower, you don't need to cower. The messes, the loneliness, the absolute disasters ARE the stories. We're not working towards anything at all. Our love lives are happening whether we like it or not. Our romantic lives don't stop, they just clear out. Our experiences make us who we are, whether that be an amateur blogger, a therapist for a day, or maybe just someone to sit next to when all else fails. Time doesn't stop, even if we pretend it does. The world doesn't stop turning when we have no one to turn to. Just because nothing epic is happening, doesn't mean we need to see ourselves as epic failures. This is it, right now. Right this very second. There's no destination, just a next stop.

Love Always,

The Dime

Phantom Limbs and Bypass

Sometimes, when a person loses an arm, or a leg in combat, they can still feel the pain after its gone. They can also still feel a twitch, or scratch, or even a tickle but when they look down at where the sensation is coming from, they see nothing. This can be a very uncomfortable, and difficult condition to live with. Victims suffer a great deal throughout their lives, well past the initial damage being done. Now- forgive me if I am incorrect- but don't we all suffer from this a little bit? Haven't we all felt a tingle, or worse- twinge in an empty place in our hearts?

A lot of our symptoms are the same. it's so hard to prove that something was once there- in the place it was supposed to be. Of course there are pictures, and obviously there are all the sensations that were once felt. However, the feeling of proving to yourself that it was real, that arm, that leg, that relationship- is hard to handle. It's hard to tell if that was something you completely made up- if the feelings you're feeling are silly and impossible- or impossibly real. Then the next challenge at hand- is life without that limb, or support system. There are painful memories, and new challenges that face you. There are certain things you need to do on your own without whatever your most valuable tool may be. There are late night tears, remembering who you were- maybe a war hero, or just someone's hero at all. Maybe you were an athlete, or made a home complete- or maybe you just miss what you had. No matter what, long after something you need or relied on is gone- you feel it.

They say that right after heart surgery- a lot of patients can only feel numb. Much likened to a broken heart. They say you may feel tightness, or just slight pain concentrated immediately along the lines of the incision that was made to your heart- or in a relationship- maybe to your ego. However that pain is minimal. A lot of times, the highest magnitude of pain ( a 10 on a scale of 1-10) can always be felt the first time your heart is strained after the surgery. Maybe the first time you cough or get up and move around. I can't help but notice a strong paralell here. In our lives, the sharpest pain, can sometimes be the calm of the storm. Unfortunately sometimes we think we've seen it all, but something else creeps up behind us and hits us harder. Whether that's love or pain, or a mixture of the two. The first cut may be the deepest and the hardest to bear, but the second- that's the one that knocks the wind right out of you. That's the one that takes your hope, and your sense of stability and wrecks it. Sometimes, it spits it back out- good as new and things move down a more positive trail, and sometimes it just hurts like a bitch.

Either way, both conditions have been proven to be survivable. Both come with a basic guide for healing, support groups, stitches, and if you're lucky- a set of caretakers. Sometimes that's all we can hope for, because one day in the end- it will heal. It won't hurt anymore, or we'll figure out how to stand with or without anyone or anything holding us up- and once that's all set- we'll be all set to start again, and find a lasting, and concrete cure.

love always,

the dime

The Convoluted Equation: Finding the Difference Between Fun and the One

As women, it is seemingly our nature to complicate our own emotions, by making plans. We are programmed to be obsessed with the idea of romance, and those of us who aren't are "new-age" or considered "modern." However this week, I can not help but wonder, is being resistant to archaic ideals about romance really modern? Or is it- dare I say- much more fun?

Every single time I've found a significant other, I seem to start making all of these ridiculous plans, and wondering; what will my friends think? What will my parents think? How will we work if we last until this point, and what about if we last until then? The sad truth is, I've made all of these plans but for what? It's never worked out. Here I sit and write to my readers completely single. Carefree, and happy. Wait...I'm single, carefree, and happy. I am not making plans currently, because there's no one to make plans for.

Now here's an idea- what if I applied this attitude to a relationship? What if, I went into something, NOT expecting a proposal. What if I recognized that I was 19 years old, and not ready to settle down. What if I stopped choosing people for their futures, and started focusing on my present? Perhaps things would be better. Perhaps some of the disappointment would wear away, and perhaps I'd stop worrying about what people look like on paper, throw away their resumes, and start seeing what they're actually working with.

Sometimes, the people we choose in the long run, didn't seem like they'd be relationships that would run very long. We keep looking for this "happy ending", this "grand gesture"- but all of this waiting is just a way to miss out on a happy middle. Maybe our nights aren't ending with kisses in central park, or a surprise knock on our door in torrential downpour- but maybe it's because we're not letting them.

Sometimes having fun, is more important than finding the one. Sometimes, the one is the fun one. Plans fall through, but happiness never does. People will come and go out of our lives, so why worry about it now? When the time comes for an engagement ring, by all means sit down and evaluate. However if you're laughing, and having a good time...fun> finding the one.

Love Always,

The Dime

The Crazy In All Of Us

Let's face it- we're all a little nuts. We're obsessive, determined, anxious, you name it- and we got it.

We all have been the crazy one before. We all have blown things out of proportion, spent hours worrying, and lost control. That's just the way we are with things that we're passionate about. Or at least things we think we are passionate about.

If we loved the people we loved for being perfect, we'd never love anyone at all. I can guarantee anyone that the person they love most in this world, is a TOTAL freak. In truth, we all are. We love our smartest companions for their eccentricity, and nerdy-ness. We love our best friends for being wild, and their quirks. We love our Mothers for their insane questions and worries, we love our dads for being excited about stupid things, and telling gross jokes behind our mothers' backs. We all love the class clown because they dare to be different, and we love our significant others for fighting to be with us, or for going where no person has ever gone before with us (get your mind out of the gutter, that's purely mental....unless you don't want it to be ;)).

There's method to all of our madness. We obsess because we love, we cry because we care, we fight because we have to hold on, and we go out of our way because we can't let go. When you're a little kid, people tell you that your parents, and your grandparents yell at you and push you because "they love you." As a little kid- you find that so hard to believe. You sit there and wonder why people would treat you poorly if they love you. As you get older, you start to understand the craziness a little more. You start to see where the worry comes from, why the yelling has to happen, and everything falls into place. You repeat the cycles you went through as a little kid but now it's you making the corrections. Now it's you sitting at home worrying about a boy, or fighting with a best friend.

We all have skeletons in our closets, we all have weird kinks in our systems. We're afraid of irrational things, we're obsessed with the wrong men, we're afraid of the right ones. We can't see the beautiful women looking back at us in the mirror, and we can't imagine who would be CRAZY enough to love us. We want to be skinnier, and taller, and shorter, and bigger, we want people to think we're funnier, to take us more seriously- we always want to be something else, or extra of what we've already got. We're all nuts, that's all there is to it.

We all do crazy things, say crazy things, and think crazy things. We love the craziest people, and we're craziest with the people we love. We all have our quirks, twerks, and fears. Never be crazy enough to lose someone crazy about you- because you'll drive yourself crazy, especially if it was just because they were crazy.

Love Always,

The Dime

Advice

I'm writing to my beloved readers today, on a different note than usual. Today is about me- (some of you who know me are smirking, because you think it's always about me in my presence, and in my writing). However I have a couple of things that need to be said, and not a moment too soon.

I don't have all the answers. Some of you come to me, because you think I know better. Some of you go to your sisters, mothers, best friends- because you think they know better. Some of us rely on therapists, lovers, , magic eight balls- it doesn't matter. We always think that someone else will be able to give us the answer. Someone else will somehow know where we should go, when we lose our way.

In life, and love alike this is never the case. In dating and relationships, we are so easily convinced to veer off path from our own wishes and desires. It is our most important decisions, when the sounds of our own heart and the melodies of our own inner voices die out- and we can only hear what the people around us have to say.

However, it's when we start listening to our loved ones, or admirers, or whomever- when we start running into our real problems. One of my favorite songs has one line, that I think really does ring true for all of us "Because in the end the most important steps are the ones we take all by ourselves."

The only person who knows what you want is you. Don't let anyone convince you how good of a guy they are, or someone they know is. Don't let anyone tell you what's wrong or right for you. That's the same thing as buying a pair of jeans without trying them on, or putting a down payment on a car that you've never test-driven.

These potential relationships we get ourselves into- are the products of a sale. (please, hold the sneers about the shopping references, I know the look on all of your faces- hear me out). These new men in our lives- are literally selling themselves to us. If not physically then emotionally. They simulate what it would be like to be with them, to have them, to own them in some cases. They'd be gentle with us, they'd shelter us, they'd make us look good, they'd accentuate our best features, and hide (accept) our flaws. Just as much as they need to be bought, we need to purchase them. It's the same process of mutual selection.

However, how many times as both shoppers, and lovelorn souls- have we wanted to return an item. How many times has it disappointed us, or do we feel that we were wrongfully convinced? Is there a return policy on the male gender? Can we ever get our money and time back?

So I leave you all with this: Unless it catches YOUR eye in the first place, don't buy it. Don't let anyone ever tell you how great something is. Odds are, if you didn't see it, pick it out, or notice it for yourself- you're not going to go home happy. You're not going to want to take it out of your closet, or garage for a spin. You're not going to be disappointed if it tears, or breaks down.

No one, but you has the answers. No one but you knows what you want. The key to a great purchase, is a helpful salesperson. Someone who gives you their input but ultimately wants what's best for you. Go to your friends, ask for advice. Go to your mothers, sisters, cousins, whoever. Read my blog, listen to what others' input is because it will always help you. But you and you only can make the final decision. Remember that no one else but you that has to wear that dress, or drive that car. The one who has to live with your decision is you. We can all tell you how pretty you look in that new dress, or how great your new ride is. We can all tell you that when we bought something from the same store, we wore it a million times, or that our last model of that car lasted us years. Yet, you need to do yourself a favor, and let the world quiet down- because you're bound to give yourself some great advice. The decisions we make for ourselves, are always the ones we end up happiest with- AND THAT, is a 100% guarantee.

Love Always,

The Dime

Our Head’s Best Friends, and Our Hearts Worst Enemies

The best friend is always the trickiest kind of man in our lives. As Billy Crystal says in When Harry Met Sally- “Men and women can never really be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.” Perhaps, there is some truth to that line- although for many women- some of their most successful relationships with other human beings- is their male friends.

We find ourselves in the midst of an age-old conflict: where do we stop being friends, and start being more? Our relationships with our best friends of the opposite sex, or in some cases- just opposing sexuality fog up the mirrors in which we see ourselves, our happiness, and our true feelings for the people around us.

We are often blind-sided by the way our best friends of the opposite sex treat us. Our male friends are for the most part, not trying to sleep with us, not trying to impress us, and when we hang out- they’re not guarded. They still pay for our dinners, they still snuggle up with us, and they still do all the things we need boyfriends for- but it’s free of emotional charge. The running arguments, annoying responsibilities, and our guilty consciences are all not needed, and become dormant inside of us when we’re around these men.

However, sometimes we can be fooled. Sometimes, when these men have a woman in their life (that isn’t us), or when they get busy, or go away for a little while we start to panic. “Maybe we’re more than friends, Maybe we belong together, He can do so much better- and by better- I mean me.” All of these things can sometimes replace our sanity and ability to comprehend the reasons as to why we are NOT together in the first place.

Sometimes the reason why we aren't together can just be blamed on our natural pheremones- we just aren't attracted to one another. Sometimes we're not together because we know each other's tricks far too well to trust each other. Sometimes we're not together because we have our own social laws we have to abide by (our friends dated, our friends are friends, whatever). Worst of all- sometimes we can't date, because we can't afford to lose each other, and we have to save each other for later...because now is not the time.

The latter is easily the hardest reason of all to endure, and likely to be the most mentally taxing. The other reasons can be dug up in the midst of our lapses in reason- and we normally can return to our happy, platonic relationships with the men we care about. However, when we start jarring our friends up- and "saving them for more later", we begin to ruin our relationships with them now. What's more- is we start making plans that don't make sense, and we stop living our lives.

As women unfortunately we are often shocked when men treat us well. If a man is that good to us, that sweet, and that caring- we think he's either gay, or crazy about us. This is not the case. He is this sweet, because he's not trying to be, because we're not waking up next to each other every morning, because he's not getting physical attention from us. That's the beauty of our relationships with these men!

Girls, please live for right now- and wait til you have someone who you don't A) NEED IN YOUR LIFE NOW B) Shudder at the thought of being physical with C) wants to treat you like your best friend does, but look at you like a girlfriend. Do not spend your time making plans, or getting jealous. The most important thing for now is that these men are in your life- and keep up what you have going for as long as possible- because in all honesty: what you've got is pretty amazing.

Love Always,

The Dime