A lot of our symptoms are the same. it's so hard to prove that something was once there- in the place it was supposed to be. Of course there are pictures, and obviously there are all the sensations that were once felt. However, the feeling of proving to yourself that it was real, that arm, that leg, that relationship- is hard to handle. It's hard to tell if that was something you completely made up- if the feelings you're feeling are silly and impossible- or impossibly real. Then the next challenge at hand- is life without that limb, or support system. There are painful memories, and new challenges that face you. There are certain things you need to do on your own without whatever your most valuable tool may be. There are late night tears, remembering who you were- maybe a war hero, or just someone's hero at all. Maybe you were an athlete, or made a home complete- or maybe you just miss what you had. No matter what, long after something you need or relied on is gone- you feel it.
They say that right after heart surgery- a lot of patients can only feel numb. Much likened to a broken heart. They say you may feel tightness, or just slight pain concentrated immediately along the lines of the incision that was made to your heart- or in a relationship- maybe to your ego. However that pain is minimal. A lot of times, the highest magnitude of pain ( a 10 on a scale of 1-10) can always be felt the first time your heart is strained after the surgery. Maybe the first time you cough or get up and move around. I can't help but notice a strong paralell here. In our lives, the sharpest pain, can sometimes be the calm of the storm. Unfortunately sometimes we think we've seen it all, but something else creeps up behind us and hits us harder. Whether that's love or pain, or a mixture of the two. The first cut may be the deepest and the hardest to bear, but the second- that's the one that knocks the wind right out of you. That's the one that takes your hope, and your sense of stability and wrecks it. Sometimes, it spits it back out- good as new and things move down a more positive trail, and sometimes it just hurts like a bitch.
Either way, both conditions have been proven to be survivable. Both come with a basic guide for healing, support groups, stitches, and if you're lucky- a set of caretakers. Sometimes that's all we can hope for, because one day in the end- it will heal. It won't hurt anymore, or we'll figure out how to stand with or without anyone or anything holding us up- and once that's all set- we'll be all set to start again, and find a lasting, and concrete cure.
love always,
the dime
